No, seriously. Don’t do it. And not just if you live in Mississippi, but if you live in North Carolina, South Dakota, Hawaii or Utah as well. Bad, bad idea.

I mean, I suppose one could make the argument that you shouldn’t fuck a married person regardless of your particular jurisdiction. That’s true, but if you’re from Alabama and you bone Jethro’s ball and chain while he’s away working at the coal mine[FN1], the worst thing that could happen to you is a broken jaw and a free trip to Springer. Not exactly an ice cream social, but not the end of the world.

However, if you’re in one of those states above, it’s not just bad karma, it’s fucking illegal. [FN 2] Just ask Jerry Finch, Sr., of Holly Springs Mississippi.

The age-old wrong of stealing another man’s wife — “alienation of affection” — is still recognized in six states, while being wholly or mostly abolished in 31 others. It traces its origins back at least to the Teutonic tribes of early Germany in the 10th Century. Now, a well-to-do businessman from Mississippi, facing a verdict of $754,500 for “alienating the affections” of the wife of a plumber, is asking the Supreme Court to impose a constitutional ban on such verdicts at least when they are used to punish the forbidden.

You read that right, my friends. Slide your hot dog into a married woman’s bun in the Show Me State and you could be on the hook for a quarter of a fucking million dollars. You see what I’m getting at, here? As your attorney [FN 3], I recommend you not do that.

What makes this verdict quite a bit more disturbing are the circumstances surrounding it.

Sandra Day and Johnny Valentine, a plumber, had what apparently was a rocky marriage, with repeated complaints by her about gambling and drinking. They were still married when she went to work for Jerry Fitch, who has interests in the oil and real estate businesses in Marshall County and, according to the state Supreme Court, has a net worth of about $22 million. After Sandra became pregnant, Johnny Valentine grew suspicious, and when a daughter was born, had a test done that showed he was not the father.

He filed for divorce, and it was granted, on grounds of adultery. He sued Fitch in state court in December 1999, arguing that the marriage was normal until Sandra began working for Fitch. Fitch initially denied having sexual relations with Sandra, being the child’s father, or giving money to support the child. In later court filings, he admitted the relationship and his parentage. The jury in the case ruled for Valentine, and awarded $642,000 in compensatory damages and $112,500 in punitive damages. That is the amount Fitch now owes, plus 8 percent annual interest, if the verdict is not overturned.

Poor, foolish Mr. Finch. Anyone who’s ever seen Maury knows that you can’t seriously deny parentage once the paternity test comes out. All you can do is claim “the bitch said she was on the pill!” and try not to look too dejected as she booty shakes to the crowd in celebration. It’s the only dignified way to go.

Instead, Finch got dragged into court and despite evidence that the marriage was fucked [FN 4] long before he became Ms. Valentine’s special Valentine, he got nailed for $750k in damages. For getting his dick wet. Yowza.

Unfortunately for Finch, he’s pretty much out of legal options here. First, he appealed to the Missouri Supreme Court.

In upholding the verdict in full, the Mississippi Supreme Court spent little effort on the constitutional due process claim. Initially, it said Fitch had not properly raised the issue, but it went ahead and considered it on the merits, and rejected the challenge. The procedural flaw “notwithstanding,” the state court said, “this Court has consistently recognized punitive damages as a legitimate form of relief in alienation of affections cases.” (Along the way, the state Supreme Court rejected a plea by Fitch … to abolish the common law tort of alienation of affections as outdated.)

With that wad blown, he turned to the Supreme Court’s most swingin’ dude, Justice Antonin “I like Orgies” Scalia, in an attempt to at least lessen the $112k punitive damages award. He argued that the award of punitive damages here was both Constitutionally excessive and violated the spirit of the Court’s holding in Lawrence v. Texas. In Lawrence, the Court invalidated anti-sodomy laws, but also asserted a right to personal privacy in the bedroom. Finch hoped this right to personal privacy extended to guys who like to boink their married secretaries.

Scalia’s answer? You’re a screwed one, Mr. Finch.

I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself[FN 5], “If the legal consequences are so bad, how do I avoid falling into the same trap? Just stay away from OPP if I live in the Missy Sippi?”

I’m glad you asked! First, it’s important to note that these causes of action are generally based in common law, which means they’re not statutory but rather they’ve been created by the courts over the centuries. In the 60’s and 70’s, most states that aren’t fucking insane all passed “Anti-Heart Balm legislation” (these torts are sometimes called “Heart Balm” cases, for obvious reasons). Others, mainly those with superhuman infatuations with protecting the nebulous and out-dated version of “f