Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s.

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.

After severa l minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena .

“I’m sorry,” he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…”

“Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Sent in by Geeze

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”

Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a Month and that would do us just fine.”

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won’t have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, “Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

Sent in by Geeze

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the University of Michigan Wolverines, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Sent in by MÃGÍ©

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, “I’m sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”

Sent in by Artimus Wrangler

We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn’t know how to drive. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, “Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!”

“And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.”

Sent in by Artimus Wrangler

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.

Sincerely,
Jim

NOT VERY MUCH LATER JIM SENT JOHN THE FOLLOWING MEMO REGARDING HIS REPORT:

John,

That idiot Bob was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines above (1, 3, 5, etc.) for my true assessment of him.

Regards,
Jim

So the husband inquires, “What’s wrong, Honey?”

“Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can’t cook or clean.”

The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, “There, there sweetie! I don’t care that you can’t cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I’ll show you what I’d like for breakfast.”

So off they went to the bedroom.

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. “What’s wrong now, Sweetie?”

“Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can’t cook.”

Again the husband smiles and says, “Why don’t you come back up to the bedroom and I’ll have my lunch there!”

So off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister.

After the third trip the husband asks, “What are you doing, Honey?”

“Warming up your supper!” she replies.